Hearts in their eyes, chocolate in their hands... you've guessed it! It's that time of the year again, where everything goes to hell and shipping is at its high. Or something like that. Basically, this is an open Valentine's Day post for all of your shipping needs with Len.
How does this work, exactly? Easy! Just pick a character from my muselist and post a top level comment calling them out. I'm game for anything ship-wise, canon, cross-canon, you name it. I'll even work with CRAU. ♥ And then we go "love love" and keep on going.
[He openly stares at him with a puzzled and slightly frustrated expression. ...what the hell was the point-]
...Or I could just go back to my room. Hinata, what is the point if this is how we're ending up?
[He leans back down to collect his pants. To say he'd been an idiot to agree to this evening is an understatement. Naturally things never go well, especially with them.]
I thought it was about settling differences. [He yanks his pants back on and fumbles with his belt.] Or was there some secret to this I'm not getting.
[Probably to shut up. That seems to be a favorite set of words from Hinata. Komaeda reaches for his shoes to snatch them up. He'll just walk out barefoot if it goes any further south.]
[He almost walks out. Except there's something about Hinata's expression that makes him stop. His shoulders fall, as he bows his head. The other hasn't made it a secret how much he hates this situation. And why.
Nor has he ever made it clear because of that why he's not any happier with the situation. It was bad enough to be linked to someone he had always been interested in and could never explain why. But to be reminded so often that the other was bitter about it and never wanted him in the first place.
It's just his luck laughing at him yet again.
He scrubs at his face. They haven't been getting anywhere. Not for months. They won't for years at this rate if he doesn't say something. Finally he drops his shoes on the floor and wraps his arms about himself as he turns to face the window. It's easier to act like the gulf between them is physical instead of in every way that matters.] Hinata.
Do you even know why I'm just as upset as you are about our souls tied together?
[Well, he'd originally intended for Hinata to never find out anything about how he felt. Komaeda can't exactly kick himself for playing his cards so close to his chest. It's be miserable until they die or just show his hand.]
Yep. Even when I found out you were reserve course and we were all despair, I felt a tie with you I couldn't explain. I wanted you to understand. Wanted to understand you.
[This is more honesty than he's had in a while but. He digs his fingers into his forearms, letting the pain drive him to keep talking.] ...if we'd discovered this bond sooner, things would have been...different.
And you didn't think that I didn't want to understand you, Komaeda? You still tried to kill everyone who was in Super High School Level Despair! That wasn't something that I would have wanted!
[ The words come off as clipped as if he's subconsciously understood the meaning behind Komaeda's words. He's angry, loud, and bitter. ]
I didn't want to forgive you because you've hurt my friends. Even now, I'm torn between wanting to. We can't change the past. But that doesn't mean that we can't fix things. [ And more importantly... ] So what exactly is it that you wanted me to understand, anyway?
At the time, I was trying to clue you into what I found in the Octagon. I thought of anyone you would realize what I found. [He tips his head back to stare at the ceiling. There's going to be marks on his arms.]
This...Hinata the past can't be changed. Neither of us are sure if we can forgive it. To be honest, I haven't known what to make of you since I woke up. And just when I thought I had it all figured out...
[They had that argument and Hinata's hand brushed the exposed skin of his hip.] ...everything happened. I hate it. But not for the reasons you assumed. No one is more aware of what you think about it than I am.
And how the hell would I be able to do that? [ He knew that there were files in there about all of them, but the clues that Komaeda left trying to hint him towards the truth were Bad. ]
We knew you found something, but without any hints, we couldn't possibly have guessed that we were the former Remnants of Despair!
[ It was a plot twist that none of them would have thought of if the AI Enoshima didn't shove it to them, as if it were a gift horse. ]
Then are you going to tell me why you hate it or are you just going to beat around the bush?
[He should get up and walk out. Leave Hinata utterly confused. They could go back to arguing and spitting insults because that's easier. Even facing away from him like this just means when he's rejected he won't see the initial reaction even if he's stuck with this for the rest of his life.
He reaches out and rips out his own hair in stress and dimly aware his therapist is going to be angry with him. But the stress feels a little easier to handle with pain. Yet this time all it does is really make it all worse as he all but shouts.] Because one sided love is terrible and a damn sight worse when you know who they wanted tied to instead of you!
[The self loathing in his words is cutting like a blade, only it's aimed at himself and clearly so.] Especially when you didn't know how you felt until a few months ago because all they used to do is confuse you! Are you pleased now?!
I'm stupidly in love with you and I think I have been for a long time! I imagine reasonable conversations between us and even in dreams they end in us fighting all the time! [He would have laughed before but the Nagito cleared of diseases just lapses into pained and sullen silence. Here it comes. That rejection he expected.]
[ Instead of the rejection that he may expect, all Hinata himself can do is stare with wide eyes, completely appalled. His jaw drops and he can't help but stare with a mixture of bewilderment and surprise; he can't believe the words that are coming out of Komaeda's mouth at all and he has to physically pinch himself to make sure he isn't dreaming.
He's not.
Swallowing the lump in his throat, he tries to bring himself back to reality instead of spacing out. It's hard, and he just can't handle it well. It isn't going to end well.
But- ]
What... do you mean? [ Ah, yes. This is where his naivety shows in spades. ] I don't get it, Komaeda. I want to understand, so-
[ There's only one word he manages, his voice cracking. ]
-why? [ It's a loaded question, one that means more than it seems at first glance. Why does he like him? Why didn't he tell him? Why does he think he knows who the man known as Hinata Hajime wanted to be tied with? ]
What. [It's difficult to figure out exactly what to say when he's utterly speechless. The rejection hasn't happened, throwing him off balance and he has to reassess the situation. Komaeda finally looks back at him, with his eyebrows disappearing into his hair.
One look at Hinata's face answers a lot of questions all at once while asking a thousand more. He briefly considers smothering himself with one of the pillows. It's easier than trusting anyone. Especially this one.
Their deadly dance of words and steps as they hurt each other and draw apart to tend to their wounds is the easier course and yet.
...he's tired of that. With a sigh and hooded eyes he lays back on the bed, his eyes never leaving Hinata's.] I get it now.
You're one of those sort of people. You're completely blind to how you affect the world around you just by your very presence. I admit at first you were just a pretty person but once you started to come into your own... Yep, when there was no choice but to step past fear and self confidence issues. That's when you caught my eye. It didn't matter to me why you approached me and continued to.
You did it. Even when you shed away from things that were upsetting. You stood tall and proud, when you were needed. If people were followed by spotlights, you'd be one of them. You never needed an aura. All one has to do is listen to you to be swept up in your pace. And all you ever needed was a chance to show what you're made of.
[He turns away, his arms still wrapped around himself, but hiding his face.] Of course, as you'd guess! I didn't consciously figure out all of that until we found out our tie. I knew it! But I guess you could say, a dying man is somewhat blind. I'm not now so I have too much time on my hands to think.
It's an observation. This is the effect you have on everyone, Hinata. If you think I'm lying about your looks ask the others. It was so confusing to find all of you had fallen to despair. But at the time, I was fixated on the idea that talent and hopes were tied together.
Mm, my therapist seems to think that was a distortion that let me 'mostly' operate as well adjusted. [Mostly being relative. He could think all the sour thoughts he wants about it but months of therapy at least let him come to a few conclusions.]
You couldn't have known what I was thinking other than those thoughts I let you see. We're both private people. [He swallows as he rolls back onto his side facing Hinata and stops at the flustered look on the other's face. It matches his own uncomfortable flush. It makes him feel a lot more exposed than baring his heart already is.] I asked what side you were sleeping on so you didn't accidentally touch my mark in your sleep. It's awkward enough as it is.
I stopped worrying about it when we started arguing. [By that point it had ceased being a concern. Komaeda turns his head to the side as he rakes his fingers through his hair.] I'm tired, Hinata. Neither of us need to go anywhere...I don't mind sharing a bed with you.
[It had been the possible loss of control at the hands of someone who never meant to see that side of him that had made things so terrible to consider. Komaeda adds quietly.] But, I'd understand if you don't want to.
[He visibly seems to consider the question for a moment. Then he reaches out to gently tug Hinata down onto the bed.] No. But I don't know what else to do. If this is going to work at all, we have to take risks.
Instead of keeping each other at arm's length and being miserable until we die!
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...Or I could just go back to my room. Hinata, what is the point if this is how we're ending up?
[He leans back down to collect his pants. To say he'd been an idiot to agree to this evening is an understatement. Naturally things never go well, especially with them.]
I thought it was about settling differences. [He yanks his pants back on and fumbles with his belt.] Or was there some secret to this I'm not getting.
[Probably to shut up. That seems to be a favorite set of words from Hinata. Komaeda reaches for his shoes to snatch them up. He'll just walk out barefoot if it goes any further south.]
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[ He stops himself, biting his lower lip as he glances away, half annoyed and half... something else, that he can't exactly explain. ]
Just forget about it, then.
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Nor has he ever made it clear because of that why he's not any happier with the situation. It was bad enough to be linked to someone he had always been interested in and could never explain why. But to be reminded so often that the other was bitter about it and never wanted him in the first place.
It's just his luck laughing at him yet again.
He scrubs at his face. They haven't been getting anywhere. Not for months. They won't for years at this rate if he doesn't say something. Finally he drops his shoes on the floor and wraps his arms about himself as he turns to face the window. It's easier to act like the gulf between them is physical instead of in every way that matters.] Hinata.
Do you even know why I'm just as upset as you are about our souls tied together?
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[ Hinata quiets, if only because he isn't sure of what to say, how to answer. ]
I always assumed that it's because you outright don't like me. [ Because of what they've done. Because of who he is. ] Am I wrong?
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Yep. Even when I found out you were reserve course and we were all despair, I felt a tie with you I couldn't explain. I wanted you to understand. Wanted to understand you.
[This is more honesty than he's had in a while but. He digs his fingers into his forearms, letting the pain drive him to keep talking.] ...if we'd discovered this bond sooner, things would have been...different.
Very different.
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[ The words come off as clipped as if he's subconsciously understood the meaning behind Komaeda's words. He's angry, loud, and bitter. ]
I didn't want to forgive you because you've hurt my friends. Even now, I'm torn between wanting to. We can't change the past. But that doesn't mean that we can't fix things. [ And more importantly... ] So what exactly is it that you wanted me to understand, anyway?
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This...Hinata the past can't be changed. Neither of us are sure if we can forgive it. To be honest, I haven't known what to make of you since I woke up. And just when I thought I had it all figured out...
[They had that argument and Hinata's hand brushed the exposed skin of his hip.] ...everything happened. I hate it. But not for the reasons you assumed. No one is more aware of what you think about it than I am.
Even gestures like this...I know how they end.
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We knew you found something, but without any hints, we couldn't possibly have guessed that we were the former Remnants of Despair!
[ It was a plot twist that none of them would have thought of if the AI Enoshima didn't shove it to them, as if it were a gift horse. ]
Then are you going to tell me why you hate it or are you just going to beat around the bush?
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He reaches out and rips out his own hair in stress and dimly aware his therapist is going to be angry with him. But the stress feels a little easier to handle with pain. Yet this time all it does is really make it all worse as he all but shouts.] Because one sided love is terrible and a damn sight worse when you know who they wanted tied to instead of you!
[The self loathing in his words is cutting like a blade, only it's aimed at himself and clearly so.] Especially when you didn't know how you felt until a few months ago because all they used to do is confuse you! Are you pleased now?!
I'm stupidly in love with you and I think I have been for a long time! I imagine reasonable conversations between us and even in dreams they end in us fighting all the time! [He would have laughed before but the Nagito cleared of diseases just lapses into pained and sullen silence. Here it comes. That rejection he expected.]
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He's not.
Swallowing the lump in his throat, he tries to bring himself back to reality instead of spacing out. It's hard, and he just can't handle it well. It isn't going to end well.
But- ]
What... do you mean? [ Ah, yes. This is where his naivety shows in spades. ] I don't get it, Komaeda. I want to understand, so-
[ There's only one word he manages, his voice cracking. ]
-why? [ It's a loaded question, one that means more than it seems at first glance. Why does he like him? Why didn't he tell him? Why does he think he knows who the man known as Hinata Hajime wanted to be tied with? ]
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One look at Hinata's face answers a lot of questions all at once while asking a thousand more. He briefly considers smothering himself with one of the pillows. It's easier than trusting anyone. Especially this one.
Their deadly dance of words and steps as they hurt each other and draw apart to tend to their wounds is the easier course and yet.
...he's tired of that. With a sigh and hooded eyes he lays back on the bed, his eyes never leaving Hinata's.] I get it now.
You're one of those sort of people. You're completely blind to how you affect the world around you just by your very presence. I admit at first you were just a pretty person but once you started to come into your own... Yep, when there was no choice but to step past fear and self confidence issues. That's when you caught my eye. It didn't matter to me why you approached me and continued to.
You did it. Even when you shed away from things that were upsetting. You stood tall and proud, when you were needed. If people were followed by spotlights, you'd be one of them. You never needed an aura. All one has to do is listen to you to be swept up in your pace. And all you ever needed was a chance to show what you're made of.
[He turns away, his arms still wrapped around himself, but hiding his face.] Of course, as you'd guess! I didn't consciously figure out all of that until we found out our tie. I knew it! But I guess you could say, a dying man is somewhat blind. I'm not now so I have too much time on my hands to think.
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...but I'm not even pretty, you idiot. [ MUMBLE MUMBLE GRUMBLE ] I didn't know you thought so highly of me, though, Komaeda. I'm sorry.
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Mm, my therapist seems to think that was a distortion that let me 'mostly' operate as well adjusted. [Mostly being relative. He could think all the sour thoughts he wants about it but months of therapy at least let him come to a few conclusions.]
You couldn't have known what I was thinking other than those thoughts I let you see. We're both private people. [He swallows as he rolls back onto his side facing Hinata and stops at the flustered look on the other's face. It matches his own uncomfortable flush. It makes him feel a lot more exposed than baring his heart already is.] I asked what side you were sleeping on so you didn't accidentally touch my mark in your sleep. It's awkward enough as it is.
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[ He doesn't say anything. Or rather, perhaps he's just thinking of what to say. ]
If you're worried about that, we can sleep on different beds, I really don't mind. [ Hinata sounds tired rather than bitter this time. ]
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[It had been the possible loss of control at the hands of someone who never meant to see that side of him that had made things so terrible to consider. Komaeda adds quietly.] But, I'd understand if you don't want to.
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[ He doesn't know if he wants to or not. That's what makes this more complicated than it should be, to him. ]
Are you really sure it's okay?
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Instead of keeping each other at arm's length and being miserable until we die!